Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
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Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER