Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
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Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
marvel comics have peaked
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
listen closely
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.