A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
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“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
And bowling should be called pinball
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
In Canada they just call them geese
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.