always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
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Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.