Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
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[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
smartest karate player in the world
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.