Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
You Might Also Like
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!