Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
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Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage