friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
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I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Ah..makes sense now
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong