Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
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I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
CUTE CAT‼︎
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
This a good idea
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*pronounces woah like Noah*
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Holy crap this is wonderful
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.