Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds