Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
my one true gender
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?