It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I already tried new things thanks.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.