Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.