Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
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suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”