(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.