[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
You Might Also Like
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
bias laundering edition
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Is your wife single?
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.