Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
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Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
why am I working on Labor Day
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time