Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
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Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Delightful if true: booby trap.