Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
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[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.