“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
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Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”