Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time