While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
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I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Breaking news:
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
consequences, the bane of my existence
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.