I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice