Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
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what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.