My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
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perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.