*3.5 thank you very much.
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Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”