I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
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[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.