*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
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“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner