[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Sex so good you see dead people.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
😩😩😩
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*