[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
You Might Also Like
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it