To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
every college guy’s fridge
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
lol
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on