if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
“I’m helping” 😅
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?