Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
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5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
This hospital has everything
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing