Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there