When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
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I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
This is sending me to another galaxy
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree