At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
they really do be looking like this
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂