If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
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That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I have so many questions.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
put ‘er there pardner!
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”