Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Ha
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”