How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
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This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I love you…
…r dog.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.