I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.