Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice