I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
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If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.