My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
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Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
me 2 months after i graduated
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”