Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Dietest Coke
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Based Erika
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.