*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
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earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.