I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]