“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
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SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.