Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears