Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
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God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.