T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
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Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?